Selasa, 17 Februari 2015

REGRET LIVE



REGRET LIVE
             “Hhh…” I sighed again, regret life struck my mind. Why was I born in this world? Why should I live? If I was not born in this world, I never regret it for the rest of my life and there will never be this article.
                I could not protest to God, saying:”Do not I who came into this world, God. I don’t want to live in this world.” And the fact that I was born of a mother and family was not at all I know. I started life as a fetus in my mother’s worm, even this I knew once I started to understand the language of this world and life is already accustomed to mother for me. I was the baby’s mother and my father and I had a sister who has been born before me. I was taught how to live in this world according to mother and my father’s habits and learn to understand what they say and spoke. Then I grew up and started walking and talking, started to school, began to recognize the wider environment from home.
                At home, I got to be used to regular life and talked politely according to the tradition handed down from generation to generation my family, and after that I also had time to see new members of the family that is the birth of my brothers and the house became more and more crowded and it looks a bit messy, so my mom was always busy cleaning and re-arranged the household circumstances be neat and clean. I and my sister was getting bigger and my mother told us to help her to tidy up the house, because we’ve been able to help her ease the work of a busy mom taking care of younger siblings, cooking meals for us and clean the house.
                The more we grow the more my lazy nature in real. I’m tired of living in my house organized and governed by a myriad of tasks from morning to night. All has arranged by my mother and father. Should not do this, should to do that. Don’t do this, should be so, all arranged hhh… tired taste.

              My world is getting wider by the growing me of the baby until I've been getting to know my surrounding are called neighbors and I started to have a friend who does not live at home with me but stay on the right side of my house left, front back home and school environment. My family is full of rules that become a regular habit, but after the start friends, I began to feel the difference and that's what makes me not able to quickly make friends. Why they did not I do? Can I do as they do?
              I began to be curious and try to do what my friends are doing outside of the m hey consider it a matter of course, but I will get warning from my mother not to do it because it is not in accordance with the rules in my house. Hhhh ... why should my friends? I tried to protest in the family so that I could do what my friends are also at home but the more I reject rule in my house that I can reprimand and consequently I was punished as a result of rejection rules. I'm not satisfied, why? The more I reject the more penalties and advices are not working because I'm still curious why my friends are not punished like me?
              I'm lazy to help her anymore because I always punished when doing things I want to do like my friends do. The more curious increasingly make my mother did not understand me and I can not express what I want because I do not understand why I should not? Neither do I understand my mother, do not understand all of the rules that exist in my house. I'm really tired, tired ...
              Day after day passed, month after month and year alternately with my family was forced to obey the rules and do not dare to play further and wider with my friends, I will begin to shut myself because I do not want to be punished every day at home. Tired feels punishment, rebuke and advice every day. Hhhhh ...
              I graduated from high school and I was thinking to go to university, but my fate led me another. My father numb half-body pain, and I could not go to university that I want because I know very well, the home state of the economy like this, I would not be able to afford college there. When the university entrance test tests were run is not smooth, calm feeling makes me no good concentration and consequently I did not pass the entrance exam. Hhhh ... between happy and sad mix makes me uneasy. Glad not go to university because it will not be able to pay, but sad because I failed diujian. Embarrassed with my friends because they thought I would be able to graduate and go to college with them. Hhhh ... I am going unto death.
              Feeling of wanting to die of shame comes out of nowhere but I'm scared to death because as a religious person who commits suicide is death imposed by the will of itself is not the angel of death who picked. Hhhhh ... if only the Angel of Death came to pick ... I failed but I still wanted to go to college because otherwise I do not know how to fill up the time that boring house full of rules and duties. I want to get out of the rules and tasks at home daily to school, but my parents could not afford college, what should I do?
              I had to study whatever the material to study in college so I'm not embarrassed by my friends who are all studying at university or in college and I also avoid boring chores. With going to college out of the house I felt free without the burden of all existing tasks at home. And finally I also found the college called tourism institute, college costs are very cheap and affordable to be financed by my parents. Eventually my parents talking about the same but my mother did not approve because it will pass I will continue to work out the streets and do not have degree, but I said I Just going to college now a matter of course we'll see ya later, there is a diploma course title name. My mother did not agree and do not like I went there because the future will be bleak she said, and I don’t have choice. No money, no place else to go to other college because other college is expensive and this is cheap and affordable. Eventually she was forced to agree with the terms of this just one year alone financed because I had to work to pay for college themselves. And I have to work while studying. Ah, I do not care about all of it, which is important at this time I can go to college, that's all. Hhh ...
              Finally I decided to sign up and test entry test in this institute. Hooray, I passed the two ratings. I'd love it, shame on any lost friends and proud to enter college with a second rank. My friends also greeted me and also happy with my success, but not with my family. My sister is too busy with her college and work well and she was liked by my mother because sister college in accordance with the mother would, indeed she submissived and accepted what was, in contrast to me that as a child always asking why and how? Why my sister could follow and follow what she wants and she is now attending college while working with a decent salary? I tried to follow the words and advice mother but all of a burden in my life and makes exasperated mother that I always ask and my mother did not have time to answer in the situation which is too busy taking care of the house, her husband and her children, including income earning for us to eat after father half body numb pain. Mom tired and irritable when talking to me because she felt I never appreciate her sacrifice and always denied and it is very disturbing life has been super busy. Hhh ...
I do not intend to interfere with the mother but if the mother understands me and gave the opportunity to do what I want without scolding me first before hearing the reason. That's all I want. I just want peace of hearts in performing daily life is not a command or anger that unilaterally without going to listen to reason.
              College school year began. The first day I was late because I do not think that my college majors bus to be run like a turtle. Hhhh ... be patient - be patient. I finally arrived and I immediately headed my class that was already started. I knocked on the door and entered and saluted and I welcome place to sit empty and the lesson was resumed. Suddenly a male friend who was sitting beside me whispered: "You why China can exist here?". "Ah" heart feels numb my tongue would fall out and could not talk just silent and smiled bitterly. Finally the bell rang and the lesson is finished, the class was no different from high school noisily completed lesson. Talking, laughing but not with me. No one would talk to me including men beside me was, instead he talked with others far from where he sat.
              Lecturer come to the second lesson and somewhat surprised to see me somehow but I do not pay attention. Lessons about Bartender, it is interesting how the mix carbonated soft drinks with liquor or wine, creating a sense of its own. It felt like I was glad to hear the lessons and when there is a question I was asked about being a bartender. Dd ... pity, lecturer replied there were no female bartender only men who used to be a bartender. Why can only be for men only? I'm interested as time school chemistry experiment, it is interesting but why the profession was not for women? Curious and inquisitive.
              The days of college unattractive despite its lessons all new and exciting for me, it feels bored college without talking and friends but would be bored if I stay home all day and help my mom clean the house without completion. Hhh ... just because subjects that I have learned that  is my passion for college  and hoping someone who would serve as my friend. What makes me disinclined them all close to me? Hhh ...                                          
After a month passed, then I understand and get the answer indirectly from body language and environment. Indirect racial discrimination exists and that makes me so alone on campus. Fortunately the second month comes new students and new students was apparently a race with me and her jaunty with anyone including me and she was my first friend, but unfortunately she did not long survive because she can not concentrate well on every lesson somehow because she did not want the story and she was not able to continue it. Six months I got a friend to talk to and now alone again. Hhhh ...
              Six months later ran with no friends but I got interesting lesson in English, French, learn to cook, learn about different kinds of vegetables, meat, kitchen items, hotel, bartenders, housekeeping, dining table arrangement ranging from breakfast, lunch , night, official events, meetings, and others to the history of Jakarta, Java and the history of the kingdom of the other islands in Indonesia, very interesting, including travel documents, ticketing and government regulations on tourism and how to look attractive as an ambassador for the nation in tourism .
              When dispersions to test ride student required per group and individual practice for guiding the current lesson study tour around Jakarta. I have no fear of the group but eventually may also, students are removed from the group that is the one group with me. One group of denied three peoples and we have a duty to train ranging from kitchen serving food until ready to eat. We even did for tasks in the kitchen, food preparation and food structuring the table. I did in the preparation of food from the kitchen to the ready room between. In tour I goto task tells the story of the old city. Hm ... interesting and thankfully we were a group of compact and timely. The result was not disappointing because our group was finally accepted our kitchen lecturer to help one that serves buffet catering events seven month of traditional Javanese. It was great and since even then I got a chef friend and duty but unfortunately when no one party place I was there as officers though what I am there? Hh ...
              I graduated with the third best in the hospitality and travel and since then, I began to be accepted by friends and lecturers too much to commend and recommend me the job. I began to receive training to work in a small restaurant and travel agent, unfortunately the restaurant was not developed even empty and only lasted three months. Dd ... In large travel agents when it is very exciting because many tour packages sold so big opportunity for me to learn and advance. Unfortunately once, because it is too large, the student training was so neglected and is not allowed to follow the tour packages. Ah, what should I do every day when it is not allowed to participate? Two months just sitting from morning to evening flurry senior attention without doing anything and can not help them.
              One time I was desperate to help with picking up the phone from customers and had been cautioned. Since then I did not dare to make their own decisions and quit the job training in place to not get a letter of reference from the company travel agent. Hhh ...
              I've been socially acceptable in my friends and they know my trouble at the time so they had invited me to the place that no one ever I visit but well liked by young children when the disco club. Cigarette smoke and the pungent smell spread throughout the darkened room with the lights blinking colorful music loud along with the song being top at that time.              
              Start learning smoking, drinking and fanfare sound of music and people dancing freely without rules. For what am I doing this? Just to be accepted as a friend. I was fortunate I had a strong faith and stamina so do not get drunk or falling drug. I just smoke and drink while they feast with rah-rah. However the within me feel guilty and uncomfortable, because I always lie with my mother. I also started to skip college just because it went along with a friend not for his own pleasure. Honestly I was not comfortable but I'm afraid of losing friends. Hhh ...
              My father was able to walk, though not perfect, and start working again with my mother opened a new company to start all over again helped by my sister and her cooperate boss extends enterprise networks and developing well, but I never got help again with the reasons I'm old enough to strive pay for college myself because my parents still have to pay for my brothers who started great and no college also there are still schools.
              Sometimes I envy my sister because they are funded study at university? But I can not do anything about it and it made ​​me even morelazy lingers at home. I'd rather stay out with friends who invited me to skip college for a walk or just spend time chatting elsewhere but I was trying to keep me from dropping out of school to look for work as a private teacher and waitress direstoran.
              The second year of college was coming to an end and as usual there must be a real working practice but this time not diperhotelan because I had to choose one, I'd choose the travel department because it is my goal to be a guide or tour leader, but I have to join a study tour of Java, Bali, Madura who held the school. I've worked as a private teacher, but my money is not enough to pay for a study tour and finally I will ask my parents, my mother gave it on condition that this is the last aid because there will be no help to me, I should be independently he said. Hh ...
              Study tour for twelve days was so fun once free of homework, free from my mother's cries of rage and test tour guide was running smoothly. I graduated yet rated to four from behind. My grades dropped drastically since I rarely college, spend time with friends didunianya young people who are full of noise and freedom. I was fortunate I could pass yet sad and disappointed as well and there is a sense of regret but regret is useless because everything is happening. Hhh ...
              Up to level three is the hardest, and I was no longer able to pay for college that administrative changes. System administration becomes credits and each subject has its price and should also obligate to pay annual and monthly money. I was forced to drop out because they could no longer pay for college, and I'm trying to find a job with two diplomas capital but unfortunately no one wants to hire me as an employee even though I had no vocational training certificate. Hhh ...
              My mother was happy when I heard I got out of college and my mom told me to learn accounting which will be funded by it to finish later for six months. I also think because there is no other way and resigned, had no college, no teaching and no job. M ungkin The best way according to i said the old man. I also agree financed accounting courses from basic to advanced, and I pass, unfortunately I did not get to take the certificate pass mark for skilled and proficient levels since that time my father died and was busy taking care of the letters my father's death complicated by government officials because I do not give tips and bribes to them. Hhh ...
              Two months after the death of my father, I got a job. "Huh, work calls? Never apply wrote yet?" It was my mother who applied and recommended me in the company of one of my mother's relatives only for three months of work replacing the assistant manager who was on leave out of the country for three months. I also obeyed to my mother to come to interview and test, and in fact without any tests I've been told to go the next day.
              A month before entering the company had a chance to work a week in a small company on the recommendation of married neighbor who will leave for one week. A week after I turned out the work replacing neighbor boss I'm glad it works up to be a new employee in the company I was side by side with the neighbors I once learned from him the ways to do the job. Unfortunately only lasted one month after that I resigned because I was hurting neighbors think I'm going to take his place in the company. Hhh ...
              The first day I worked at a company that replaces the assistant manager, I was well received by the manager and he likes to help me when I do not know, and eventually he was recommending me to be a permanent employee in the company's assistant manager after returning to work from vacation. I will be a permanent employee who handles the entire warehouse administration three years ago was raised to the rank of administration which handles the entire counter for one year, unfortunately there is some competition between mutual hanky panky workers including me in contact with the elbow and makes me want to resign. Hhh ...
              But I was wrong, my boss mutated me in accounting until I was safe from the elbow and can work in peace for two years, then transferred again gets finance help finance director, unfortunately back elbow nudging the position of assistant director of finance is so hard and I elbowed back but this time I was convicted despite there is no real evidence because I did not do it of course there is no real evidence. Finally I only lasted two years after the work was resigning because of the hurt and humiliation. Hhh ...
              My mother of course was angry with me because I quit and kept forcing me to find work immediately. I was sad and difficult no chance to ponder or think. I escaped to go with my friends traveling outside country spending a lot of money that I save from working hard in that company and went for a few days, but it did not help ease my burden, even new problems with pity rest money until then I decided to work as labor rough abroad. I was applying to be a domestic contract labor in Taiwan unfortunately only six months early and deported by reason that I can not work when the boss wants me to be a maid of his house instead of the factory according to the contract that I sign-signed and of course I refused to be like. It hurt and I was really insulted. Hhh ...
              Tried finding another job in the company had no one wants because companies prefer to recruit new workers fresh graduated with a lower salary than that experienced like me. Financial urgency is no longer possible to live and jobless made me finally I decided to work again this time illegally approved by my mother too. I think my mom said that I will be able to smooth the way so I ignored the opportunities to work abroad to other place that I love to go.
              Illegal work abroad path is smooth as a mother's blessing, unfortunately I was wrong way because of the nature of goodness and caring with people around me who I always did that made me so attentioned and the government was so evident I have lived illegally there yet because I'm a very good and caring, then I'm not arrested but allowed me to report myself to return home to my country. I wanted to go home because I didn’t feel safe and always there paparasi who chase me chase it were up to me in Jakarta, even when I was in Bali that I plan to find a work there. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to break the rules and paparasis are always following me already like ghost that interfere my life that made me should went out of Bali in a hurry. Hhh ...
              The house is supposed to be a place of my refuge is the opposite of what I expected. My mother never knew my trouble because I never talked about it. I was too scared to talk about my problems with my mother especially my trouble because my mother was too tough for her own life since my father dead. Hhh ...
Since childhood I was active as a member of the church, became activists even became a member of the leadership council in adolescent youth fellowship. My mother had told me that I should move to my clothes and stayed in church because I always come home late at night for the activities of the church, but I did not want to hear the words of my mother I even got out of the house as well simply because it could not stand spicy harsh words my mother against me.
              I was living alone in a boarding daughter for three years while working and activities in the church until I quit my job back home to my mother and to stop the activities of the church and then left the country to work there. Year - the year that was hard for me to find a safe resting place for the next life. Hhh ...
 Year after year for five years I leaded the effort to try to do own business or work well with my own or with others, but everything is different and I got out of the house because mother could not stand to see me that unemployment went every day and spent my time with shopping purposes everyday at home. I tried to press depress. Until one time I was not able to finance my life again, I came back to my mother’s house and live with her and I was still lucky a new job at school that I surrendered to even my salary was not according to my experienced and education. Hhh ...
              At first I felt insulted by the treatment of fellow workers whom low education and rough speech, fortunately, I always reminded myself that they acted in accordance with their education and life experienced that they tasted so just ignored it, as well as the teachers who puffed up with education and skill as a teacher with boasting and arrogant about the profession and the existing title in front of its name, unfortunately all never happened to me that could be fired in disgrace while I needed a job for life not for the title and dignity.
              My pride has been trampled and humiliated since returning from abroad and now I was doing for eating and my life. I should try to show that I did not deserve insulted because I've experienced it all more that I had experienced before this. Hhh ...
              Year after year one by one, people were proud and arrogant out either officially or unofficially though there are sycophants that resulted in him reach the position he had hoped. It is a foundation school officials admit I was no different from the teachers who boastfully g and arrogant, but all of a da time. Good Karma, Karma Good yielded too.
              Peoples in church were no different with people outside the church even more leads hypocrisy. Had meditate on why and how I was in church and outside the church, but I still do not get a definite answer and clear. Back and forth and in and out of the church just wants to find an answer, unfortunately never found. What I found was that I attend a church with the intention of listening to the Word of God and communion with other people without knowing for what I hear the Word of God.
It was late now if I still can be in community with them again like when I was still active in communion with my money as a pretext sell charity, treat friends at church in unity?
              As a brother with money, no money brother was drifted. Neither church, neither school, even neither my own family home, it was as if he had a patent proverb in the life of this world. What hurts when I need help from someone, including from my own family but I got with conditional aid and insulting. Regret deep in my heart, angry because insulted, humiliated sad, disappointed and ashamed of being helped are humiliated and insulted. Felt Unto death. My family is not a place I asked for help, but it is a place where I spend money for and that is my family. Hhh ...
In my ages, approaching fifty, I collapsed again. I swayed with friends who are happy together to spend my money. I bought them for friend because I feared no friends, bored at home, happy praised for the good and unnoticed all ultimately became a boomerang in me. I started to have a credit card debt exceeded my salary and I'm still provide benefits for mother and help alleviate household and family fun nieces and nephews who want to feel the pleasure of its world, so that makes me more and more debt I had to pay until I was no longer able to pay from my salary, I started with a bank loan with interest and it continues made me harder to pay debts, consequently bigger owe again and again with the interest owed. Hhh ...
              I could not explain to my family or anyone else that I had that much debt for helping my family and the people whom needed help from year to year. They'll never believe even considered me that I am the worst stupid people in this world. How could I help people with debt in the bank that's in fact no money in real? I could not explain the truth. When I asked my boss from the school to lend me money for paying my debt that is a big mistake I ever had and the stream of live made me owe a lot and could not afford it.
              However, these words became a boomerang for me and no one else is capable or willing to help me after seeing my debts and hear my story. They assumed I'm guilty of spending money to owe live. All my life had been destroyed already and there is no money for the rest of my days, that there is only a debt to be paid from year to year for five years even friendship and brotherhood broke out already and my debt is not paid. Hhh ...
              Really sorry I live in this world. Regret was born by a mother who issued curse words and despised even slandered against me. Sorry to have done well to do become a person who always helps even sacrifices for a friend or family by spending money without thinking about themselves whether they could afford or not, and now there I have to bear and pay a debt flows h. Hhh ...
              Want to die but fear of death, fear of life as well as abundant debt is not abundant money. Trying to do business online with zero capital and only receive a commission from the goods sold, was not unt ung obtained but losses due to b a rang of quality and should not have capital to buy in large quantities can only be the same commission should be no money as capital to profit but still lose because the goods are not as expected. Why does other people run the same business with me but thrive and succeed? Price and the same stuff just different of customers only and they could be accepted by their customers even constantly repeat order, while I'm here customers tried only once and no longer want because they said that the goods are not qualified to reason and expensiveness price. Lots of bad criticism that I have received and no profit nor repeat orders are received. Hhh ...
              A lucky I still continue to be accepted to work in schools and plenty of time to look for odd jobs odd jobs but never produce results that really ripe :D . Is it because I've been insubordinate to my mother because I menyes al born to him? Disappointed I was born by my mother because my own mother cursed me since I was little until now and I could not afford my own to live. Still be cursed as it once was even insulted and made ​​me many times thought to get out but I have not enough money to live alone to pay my debts. Mom regrets to live with me. Hhh...
              Can there be a chance for me to be successful in life? My life is filled with remorse, but still can not see the pain of people around me who made me forget the sorrow and directly help people selflessly makes me so manipulated by the cunning and who knows my weakness. A kibatnya I was getting worse, the debt still unpaid, already have a new debt again. Hhh ...
              If I could live abroad and work there, no one I know that there is only work, work and work continues because no one is complaining cases ulitan and hope pert Olong anku, so uangk u intact to pay the debt and could even save for the next life. If only there were people who wanted to take me to work in his company abroad, I am very happy because I'm out of the house with a fine and my mother would not condemn me when I came out, but thanks to that I received when out of the house because I can work more good and decent overseas. My mom will be happy when I work abroad away dar i home but make money, but I was no longer young. My age is already half a century and not as strong as a young child who recently graduated with a bachelor's degree. Hhh ...
I have to work abroad but, is there a place and a company that accepts me as an employee? Even as a dreamer does, if I am a wealthy man who has a lot of money! Where can I find that money, if I never join a lottere or having a lucky day in a lucky draw? Ha Ha ...
              Dreams have a lot of money is fun, dream my debt could be paid and easily helping people in needs. If, Bill Gates gives his money to me to handle helping people around here and help them to create jobs so after that they will rescue and no longer rely on aid money even they can help others to give jobs or creating jobs for those whom needs, I will pay my debts immediately with that job even I can save for my rest life or traveling around the world to live. Hhh ...
              Every dream is just a beautiful dream in my life. If I die today or this evening, of course, my family will curse me because I'm dead corpse in debt. Man should die leaving a good name and good memories during his lifetime not debt. How embarrassed and humiliated my corpse and I'm so sorry I was born into the world as long as my life is full of insults and curses and leave my debts without being able to pay. Hhh…

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